you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
