after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
