I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
