When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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