Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
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