I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
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