Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
