There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
