Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Barsexuality is the new black.
Is it because I queefed?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
