dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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