dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
