Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
