I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
