she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
