I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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