You're earring is so big in my mouth
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
