We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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