To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
