just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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