Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
as a side note pls kill me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize