the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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