Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
