Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
