I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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