my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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