I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
