your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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