Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Randomize
