I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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