I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
