wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
