He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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