wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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