I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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