Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
