A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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