Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
