He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
