i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
