eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
