The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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