Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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