now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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