i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
