If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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