Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
