I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
