Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My dick has a subreddit
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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