if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
