I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
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