Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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