You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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