Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
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We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
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Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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