I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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