Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Randomize
