How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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