Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
