I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
