I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
