whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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