my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I believe in your delicious
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
