if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
