You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
