Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
